Free Market

(NOTE: I wrote this in January 2001. Strangely, I think its relevance has only grown in the intervening time.)

FREE MARKET
( The Scene : THE PRESIDENT addresses the nation on television. )

THE PRESIDENT:
Good evening, America.

It is a pleasure and an honor for me to address you tonight.

First and foremost, I'd like to thank you again for expressing your confidence in me this past November, those of you who voted, that is. For me. And had your votes counted. And let me make clear that my deepest regret, perhaps my only regret, about the recent events with which we are all so familiar is that they will prevent me from having the honor, the privilege, of asking for your votes in the future.

I'd like to thank you all for having the good sense, most of you, to have quietly acquiesced to our recent change of government. Yes, we realize you were only doing what we had spent years training you to do, but it's still gratifying that all our diligence and hard work has paid off.

We deeply appreciate the acceptance, the docility and restraint, with which you have greeted this momentous change. And let me assure you that thanks to you, we've been able to keep the demonstrations, detentions, and disappearances to an absolute minimum.

Our research leads us to believe that generally, you all understand that what we did, we had to do. Ultimately, it is in your own best interests. Some of you may not believe that, but don't worry. Our people will be sure to see that your children do.

Now, tonight, I'd like to take a few minutes and talk to you about your rights. Things may have changed a bit, but I want to assure everyone watching tonight that you still have rights, fundamental rights, guaranteed by law. Let me enumerate them for you.

First and foremost, you have the right to work. As you know, I was raised in a right-to-work state, and it shaped my beliefs profoundly. So, from this moment, let me assure you that you will exercise your right to work. And for your labor, you have the right to be paid at a fair rate, which we will set.

You also have the right to buy a multitude of fine consumer products offered for sale by our corporate subsidiaries, and conveniently available at any of our beautiful, bright, shiny malls.

You have the right to passively consume a wealth of media diversions which we have manufactured and screened to be as wholesome and as inoffensive as possible. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of sports, plenty of situation comedy, plenty of romance novels, for everyone. However, from this moment forward, all depictions of sex, violence, drug use, blasphemy, libel against the government, and subversive political ideas will be strictly forbidden in all forms of media. I know that those of you who are parents will appreciate that.

You have the right to worship in whichever religion you choose, and raise your children in your tradition. In fact, to help you with this, we have pre-selected a group of seven specific religions which you will be required to choose from. Choose wisely, because this will be a binding choice.

You have the right to a government which can learn about any threat to public safety and act accordingly. Therefore, you have the right to supply any information deemed necessary to the proper police and civil authorities. This includes samples of your blood, urine, skin, or any other tissues. You also have the right to be under our electronic protection at all times.

You have the right to be deeply afraid of any vague, external threats which we will bring to your attention from time to time, and to support any and all actions which we deem necessary to protect you from any such threats.

Should you ever be arrested by the police, you have the right to be held in solitary confinement for as long as necessary while the evidence against you is gathered; and you have the right to a speedy trial. You will have the right to speak at your trial. When you are found guilty, and let's face it, most people who are arrested are guilty, you will have the right not to have any cruel and unusual punishments inflicted upon you, but we will decide what’s cruel and unusual. Most of your rights will be stripped from you as a prisoner, but not all of them. In fact, you’ll find that you still have the right to work. For us.

Well, so much for your basic rights. I think you'll agree with me that really, for you, very little has changed. But now, I'd like to talk to you about something even more basic, more fundamental, and much more exciting: our new way of doing things. Let me start with the fundamentals. What are we trying to do with America, with the American government, and where are we taking it?

You see, we're businessmen. And we believe, as many of you do, that government should be run like a business. In the whole, long history of man, many forms of social organization have been tried, and none of them have shown such spectacular success as the free market. All other forms, and history has shown this clearly, are utter failures. And as we are organizing every other facet of our lives to be governed by the market, so we must reorganize our social institutions. And that means, we’re not a government, we’re a business.

And when you look at the business of governing like a business, as we did, you realize certain things. We realized that there were enormous inefficiencies in the way different entities such as the government, the media, and the marketplace were running our affairs. It was as though these entities were all serving different purposes, or different people, or different ends, when in fact they were all really being run by the same people, with the same ends in mind. All this separation of powers nonsense, for example. Who needs it? So, when you look at it like that, you see that what we did was no more radical than what any good group of free marketeers would do in this situation. We decided on a merger!

We determined that there would be enormous synergies, as they say, by combining all of our various holdings into a single, superior conglomerate. We will realize incredible savings by eliminating redundancies. And we intend to pass the savings back to you, the consumers!

However, in the course of the inevitable restructuring we are planning, we will incur enormous costs. Moreover, we will have to retire some debts as we consolidate. In order to do this right, therefore, we need investment on a massive scale. And now, my fellow Americans, you will see how you fit in.

You see, I’ve waited until now to tell you about your new right, your most important right and your most exciting privilege, in this new American age. From now on, you will have the right to buy shares of America. That’s right. Tomorrow morning, we will announce an Initial Public Offering of certified US government stock. And I urge you to call your representative, or your broker, and buy as much as you can. From now on, your rights will be determined by your ownership of US government stock. Buy, and you will be a full citizen with all rights and privileges of a stockholder, with as many votes as you have shares. Don’t buy, and well, you know.

The free market, as we’ve said, is a superior system for the allocation of resources. And good government is really just another resource. And that means that the primitive and anachronistic notion of one man, one vote is hopelessly outdated. It's more rational, it’s more logical, to adopt the system of one dollar, one vote. For one thing, they're a whole lot easier to count. What do you think accountants are for? There's never any doubt, between any two people, who's got the most dollars. I’m confident that once you get used to this new system, you will appreciate it as much as we do, as you trade in the tired old label of “citizen” for the proud titles of “customer,” “employee,” and “stockholder!”

Remember, my fellow Americans, past performance is no guarantee of future results, so read the prospectus carefully before you invest. Trust God, follow the dollar, and bless America! Thank you!

BLACKOUT