The Playwrights' Prime Directive

I have sat through a lot of readings and performances of new, original plays. Which may just be another way of saying, man, have I sat through a lot of boring theatre. It's amazing how slowly the seconds crawl by when there's boring drivel on stage.

I have slowly and painfully come to the conclusion that there is only one absolute rule in playwriting. We could call it the Prime Directive of playwriting. You can do anything you like on stage, except bore your audience. All the other rules - about plot, structure, conflict, etc. - are only suggestions to help you avoid boring your audience. You can safely ignore them as long as you observe the first law. That's why it's easy to find good plays which "violate all the rules". They might be all wrong, but they're never boring.

(Just in case you're wondering - no, I'm not referring to anything you wrote. I found all of your writing absolutely scintillating.)

Unlike the reader of a book, or a television viewer, a member of your audience can't just get away when she's bored. She can't change the channel, or skip ahead to a more interesting part, or go do something else entirely. Not only is it considered rude to get up and shuffle past a bunch of other people to get out of the theatre, it calls attention to oneself to do so. Besides, she paid good money to see this play, typically a lot more than she would pay for a movie ticket, a video rental, or even a hardcover book. If she's bored, she's stuck there, and she will hate you for that. You think she'll come back to your next play?

You don't have to pander to your audience. You can offend them. You can frighten them. You can enrage them. You can do anything you want to do on stage, except bore them.

It's up to you to remember that your audience is paying you. Even if the performance is free, they're giving you their time and attention. The least you can do for that is to avoid making them feel that they have wasted their time and/or money.

Not being boring is the most basic problem which a new playwright must master, and in their zeal to get to their great themes and ideas and characters, many new playwrights will stumble over the boredom issue. Most new playwrights seem to be more concerned with writing beautiful plays than with writing interesting plays. I've got nothing against beautiful words, and many of the dullest plays I've heard are full of wonderful, beautiful writing. Unfortunately, they're still boring, and no audience will be interested enough to want to hear the beauty of these plays.

So what's not boring? That's a tricky question, unfortunately, and the playwright isn't in total control of the play. A bad performance can render even the greatest script into a snooze-fest. But it's usually pretty easy to distinguish a boring performance from a boring script. But not making your script boring -- well, that's part of the art of playwriting, isn't it? I don't think it's reducible to rules, though the rules are useful signposts (See The Playwriting Seminars). Ideas like plot can be very useful, because a new play is often boring when "nothing happens". That's the #1 problem I see in new plays: lots of talking, no action. But why does something have to happen in the play? Because this is a play, not a lecture. You may have the greatest idea in the history of ideas. (Not likely, but possible.) You still have to make us care about it.

Don't bore the audience. That's all I ask. Everything else is in the service of that edict, and once you have your audience's interest, they will let you take them where you will.

Fallujah in Pictures

Fallujah in Pictures has a lot of photos you won't see in the mainstream American press.

As an American taxpayer, as someone who forks over tens of thousands of dollars every year to our government, I have a very great interest in seeing what's being done with my money and in my name. I also have a right to see what's being done. (In another age, this would have made me a Republican.) For some reason, my government doesn't really want me to know what's going on in Iraq. Why is that? Are they afraid I'm not getting enough war for my money?

TV Shows I'm Looking Forward To

America's Funniest Cold Case Files

Meet The Cops

Clown Wrestling

Middle Aged White People Say the Darndest Things

My Big Fat Obnoxious Jihadi

Humiliate Yourself for Our Amusement

Hey Look! More Overpriced Crap to Buy

Back to Normal, Whatever That Means

I admit it, I've gone way overboard blogging political stuff. My blog is definitely an oddball, not only because I don't try to maintain a narrow focus on a single topic, but because I try to give equal weight to my multiple personalities the wide range of my interests. So I'll be getting back to programming, playwriting, and general geekitude, just as if the world was perfectly fine.

Meanwhile, I've still got plays to submit. First stop: the Boston Theater Marathon. I've been accepted into the BTM once, which is not bad for four attempts. Getting into the Marathon is a great thrill for an aspiring local playwright. One thing which always gets to me about the Marathon is the depressing regularity with which scripts about the Red Sox and their curse are accepted. Now that the Sox have finally won the Series and -- we hope -- abolished the curse -- dare I hope that plays NOT about the Sox now have a better chance of getting in? Cause frankly, I got a lot to say, but when it comes to the Sox, I got nothin'.

Final Electoral Map



Linked from The Onion.

Options in Iraq

American Options in Iraq by William R. Polk, a Middle East expert who has served with the U.S. State Department’s Policy Planning Council. This article will bring you up to speed on the three basic choices facing the US government in the Iraq debacle. None of them are really good. Of the Dear Leader's choice, "staying the course", Polk writes

It has never worked anywhere.... At best, “staying the course” in Iraq can be only a temporary measure as eventually America will have to leave. But during the period it stays, say the next five years, my guess is that another 30 or 40 thousand Iraqis will die or be killed while the U.S. armed forces will lose perhaps 5,000 dead and 20,000 seriously wounded.

Saw This On The Road Today



This was just before I hit the checkpoint where I was expected to hand over all my cash and civil liberties.

Today's Quote

"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard." -- H. L. Mencken

The One-Fingered Victory Salute

What will politicians see when they analyze this past election, and for the policies which will flow from it?

They will see a huge victory for lies, for hate, for fear, for intolerance, for diviseness. 2004 was a huge victory for ignoring reality and sticking steadfastly to dogma. Most of all, 2004 was a huge victory for giving a great big Republican Fuck You to half of the country! I'm so proud to be an American!

The Republicans turned out their evangelical base in record numbers by rallying them against gay marriage and abortion, and for a President who is considered to be one of them, if not God's Own Choice to be in the office. It's true that was the main contributor to Bush's numbers, but don't forget that although they protest about the liberal slant of the media, the Republicans own most of the media in the U.S. -- in fact, pretty much all of it except for Salon.com, the Nation, and Air America Radio. Media domination by the Republicans gave respectability to the Swift Boat Liars and buried any discussion about the real progress of the failed wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Republicans also have a lock on electoral offices in most states, including Ohio and Florida, and did everything they could do to drive down Democratic turnout and "lose" voter registration forms and absentee ballots. The voting machines were definitely hacked, and we will hear more of this as time goes on, but probably this was only a small contributor to Bush's victory.

In the very distant future, assuming there is one, Bush's single greatest legacy will be the degree to which he perpetuated and deepened the ideological divide in America in order to gain narrow electoral advantage. (That will be his legacy, anyway, if he can somehow avoid turning the Middle East into a giant sheet of glass.)

Now the newspapers are saying that Bush says he will try to heal the divisions in our country, but if you look at the text of his statement, he is saying no such thing. What he actually says is, "I will reach out to every one who shares our goals." We've heard words like that before from this guy. In Bush-speak, "I will reach out to every one who shares our goals" translates to "Fuck You, Democrats."

Division works for Bush. As long as Fox has his back, his lies will be repeated and believed by 51% of the electorate ("The War's going great! Saddam was behind 9/11!"), and that's all he needs. The rest of us get a big steaming cup of Shut the Fuck Up and Obey.

Yeah, about the Obey part. That's the side of Bush we're really going to get to see in the next four years, as we slide into perpetual war around the world and increasing religious intolerance at home.

The next four years of Bush will see (this list is in no particular order):

- Bush will not make any effort, beyond lip service, at being conciliatory. Remember "compassionate conservatism"?

- No elections in January in Iraq. There may possibly be no elections in Iraq at all between now and 2008, but there is no way they're going to happen in January.

- Additional wars across the Middle East. Practically a reinvasion of Afghanistan and Iraq. Probably an attack on Iran or Syria. Possibly North Korea as well.

- The return of the draft.

- The passage of Constitutional amendments banning gay marriage and abortion. (Ratification of these amendments is improbable, because Bush will need forty states to ratify them.)

- Further restrictions on access to information about contraception and abortion.

- New Supreme Court justices who will roll back civil rights, voting rights, and privacy rights.

- Deeper debt as Bush and the Republican Congress slash taxes on the wealthy, lavish perks on their corporate friends and recklessly borrow to cover the difference.

- Massive, 70s-style inflation and interest rate rises as a result of reckless fiscal policies. Recession all the way.

- Further degradation of our environment as Bush pushes to remove corporate polluters from any accountability whatsoever. Gutting of any meaningful environmental regulation.

- Gutting of any meaningful oversight of corporate governance, resulting in huge windfalls for the big players, but in the long run loss of confidence in the financial markets.

- Destruction of corporate liability. Companies will be able to poison, maim or kill you with their products with impunity, as Bush has pledged to remove them from any accountability. (This is what he means by "tort reform".)

- Speaking of accountability, greater secrecy from government. You won't be able to tell what government is doing, because they won't tell you.

- The dismantlement of Social Security and Medicare under the guise of "reforming" it.

- Further destruction of the middle class as Bush's tax policies shift any burden of taxation off of capital and on to workers. Further reductions in real wages and increased loss of jobs overseas. Huge unemployment.

- More people without health care. A lot more people without health care.

- Record poverty, record foreclosures, record bankruptcies.

- Lifting of restrictions on political activity by churches. (As though these have any meaning left)

- Pushes for mandatory prayer and creationism taught as science in the public schools.

- Under the guise of freedom of religion, the federal government will pass laws which allow companies to hire and fire on the basis of religion. Furthermore, pharmacists will be able to refuse to sell medicines, doctors can refuse to administer medical care, etc., all if they deem that it contradicts their religious beliefs.(It's already perfectly legal to fire someone or to refuse to sell or lease a home on the basis of sexual orientation.)

- The return of state laws criminalizing homosexuality.

- Massive increases in state surveillance of private individuals who are not suspected of crimes. Federal agents infiltrating peaceful political groups whose only "crime" is opposition to the Ruling Party.

- Utter indifference to the growing problem of global warming, and on a related front, utter inaction on the issue of replacing oil as our primary energy source.

- Since this campaign was so successful for Bush and his allies, it will be imitated and replayed over and over again for another generation, in the midterm Congressional elections especially, and then again in the 2008 Presidential election.

- The hallmark of these campaigns, as well as the political fights and skirmishes to come, is that notwithstanding the way the Republicans utterly dominate the government in Washington, Bush will blame all failures on Democrats and on the terrorists (who are working together, anyway). They will continue to blame the economy on Clinton. They might even try to blame a bunch of stuff on Kerry, now that they don't have Tom Daschle to kick around any more. And Fox News will back Bush up, and the proles will probably believe him.

There will be more. I'll be happy to revisit this list periodically, and in 2008, I'll post a roundup of how well I predicted the future. (If we're all still here!)

The great irony of this list is that a lot of the pain of these policies will fall on the very people who voted most strenuously for Bush. See, on red-meat issues, it's true that Bush is giving the one-fingered victory salute to the Blue States, but on bread-and-butter issues, he's giving it to everybody who isn't worth at least ten million dollars, and frankly, that means you, Red America. Look: I live in Massachusetts, and like a lot of people here, I'm very well-educated, and although I'm not rich, I do make a very good living. Democrats here extended their control of state and local government to near totality, and although we have a popular and very religious Republican governor, he won't touch gay rights or abortion with a ten-foot pole. (I think Democratic voters are going to punish him in 2006 for Bush, though.) Massachusetts is a rich state with a strong economy and lots of smart people, like most of Blue America, because there is a strong correlation between prosperity and the ability to perceive objective reality. We will be able to insulate ourselves from many of the bad effects of the next four years. We'll be fine, as will New York, California, and most of the rest of the Blue States, which by the way subsidize the Red States. (MA gets only 79 cents back from the federal government for every dollar we send out in taxes, and no doubt under Republican domination, that figure will go down even more.)

Meanwhile in Red State Land, it appears that you stupid crackers believe that the joy of being able to deny healthcare and survivor benefits to queers is worth losing your jobs, your homes, your health, and possibly your lives over.

Fuck You, indeed.

Get Out Of My American Way

My short play Get Out Of My American Way will be performed as part of a Night of One Acts staged by the As-Yet-To-Be Theatre Company at 8:00 pm on Saturday November 13th. They are performing at the Stuart Street Playhouse in downtown Boston. Get Out Of My American Way is the heartwarming story of a woman whose dot-com job it is to downsize people, and the arrogant, maladjusted sap being downsized. Well, maybe it's not so heartwarming, but it is funny. Please come down and support great new local theater!

Another Prediction

Find the people you know that voted for Bush. Write their names down, because in ten or fifteen years, you're going to want the pleasure of reminding them of their votes. I predict that most people you know who voted for Bush will deny it.

Don't believe me? Try to find any Nixon supporters these days. Nixon swept 49 states in 1972. The only state that didn't go for Nixon? That would be Massachusetts, of course. (A common bumper sticker at the time: "Don't blame me: I'm from Massachusetts.") Only two years later, Nixon became the only President to resign in disgrace. Once the most popular politician in America, Nixon is now widely and correctly considered to be the worst and the most crooked President in history.

And so he will remain until we take stock of Bush.

(Update 10-Nov-2004: Realizing that the thought was incomplete:)
I'm not arguing here from historical analogy, i.e. as Nixon goes, so goes Bush. Instead, I believe that the agenda that Bush will pursue will be so extreme, so right-wing and divisive, that it will repulse even many of the people who voted for him. Also, it will become increasingly clear that the war in Iraq is a debacle which was enabled by Bush's lies, and Bush will be unable to blame anyone else for it. Furthermore, the scope of fiscal damage which Bush is wreaking on the country will come into sharper focus, and again, when one party rules, who else will be there to take the blame? Not that Bush won't try...

Thieves in High Places

We're watching the late returns while plugged into the net, where we're getting news of vote suppression and other shenanigans in Ohio and Florida. It says a lot about the Republican party that they can't win by asking people for their votes. They need to actually prevent a lot of people from voting in order to make their numbers. (The rest they can cover with lies propagated by the wholly Republican-owned media.) I can't support any party that actually tries to take votes away. It shows a profound contempt for the very concept of democracy. It goes hand-in-hand with the Republicans' cult of personality, their fascination with a President they perceive as chosen by God, and their exultation of a "CEO President". It's not off the track to call the Republican Party Royalist, if not outright Fascist. We are on track for a very bad situation in our country, regardless of whether Bush succeeds in stealing tonight's election, but it will be worse, last longer and cost more if he does take it.

Voting

It was a clear morning when I went to vote, and even though the polls had literally been open about five minutes, the place was already swamped.

Fall In New England

Even with the impending election, I had to take a few moments to enjoy a really beautiful fall day in New England.

I live in a lovely old New England mill town. Unlike a lot of towns this far out in the suburbs, my little town has an actual center to it. That's because of the mill, which has endured nearly two centuries, and provides an economic and architectural nucleus to the town. There's a lot of brick in town, and there has been a conscientious effort to maintain a certain restrained quality to the buildings, even as development has continued apace. So even though there have been concessions to commercial reality, such as the hideous McDonald's which dominates the busiest intersection, my town maintains a sort of timeless quality. It feels comfortable and easy to live in, it feels like home.

Fall is really the best season for a New England town like mine, and a gorgeous day like the one we had today is the best time to experience it. The sky was cloudless, the sun was shining, the leaves were only just past their peak color on the trees, but enough of them had fallen to provide a beautiful blanket. The air was crisp but not cold. All around my town, there was a lovely parade of colors, from the trees, from the sky, from the town and its people, in the sharp bright sunshine of fall. This is what people imagine New England to look like. Fall is the best time to be here. I really love this town.

The Holy and Anointed One

Every once in a while, my aunt in San Diego forwards to me some email and/or web site she's received from one of her friends. Her friends skew older and more Republican than the crowd I hang with, so I am grateful for the window she offers into the dark soul of Right-wing America. (Although, to be fair, she forwards material from all points of the political spectrum.)

A few days ago, my aunt sent me an article by a guy named Bruce Vincent. It seems Bruce got himself an audience with the current occupant of the Oval Office, and he felt moved to share his experience with us. He was there to have his photo taken with George W. Bush. But he says he came away with a lot more than just a photo and a handshake. The heart of Vincent's story is that Bush actually prayed with him.

It's been a long time since I have read such a heavy-handed, over-the-top puff piece. I don't know where this guy learned how to write, but I'll say this for Bruce Vincent: this guy sure knows how to put the jism back in journalism!

This piece is so transparently partisan, so brazen in its puffery of the Good, Honest, Noble, Humble, Pious Christian Bush, that it's hard to believe that it's actually meant to be taken seriously, but apparently there is no irony in Bushtown, nor is there any depth of obsequiousness which is too deep. Doesn't anyone reading this consider that it's plain old good PR for the president to meet and greet the peasants, and even pray with them? Yet, judging by my aunt's reaction, people do take it seriously.

At one point in the narrative, Bush is reported to say "...there are those in the nation's capital that would rather see the nation dismantled than work together to achieve a common good." You know, the Republicans dominate all three branches of the federal government. Democrats are literally locked out. Now, who would be those bad people who would rather "see nation dismantled than work together" (Those bad, bad, people!) Would those be -- maybe -- would those be Democrats? I don't know. It's a real head-scratcher.

If the President prays, then good for him. I'm glad he prays. And if you're one of those dumbasses who thinks that God has picked Bush to be President, then I suppose it makes you comfortable to know he prays. (To your God.) I find the concept that God put Bush in the White House not only repugnant and profoundly anti-democratic, but blasphemous as well. I also happen to remember from Sunday school what Jesus might have said about this article:

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites [are]: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

So fine, if the President prays, that's great. Personally, I'd rather have a President who doesn't lie.

PS: Selling the President as good and pious is a big part of his strategy this year. See Ashley's Story, where a girl who lost her mom in the World Trade Center attack (which Bush failed to prevent) gets a hug from Bush. Doesn't that just melt your heart? For a more realistic story, see Brooke's Story. Her brother died in Iraq looking for the WMDs that Bush lied about, and then Bush joked about the missing weapons. Make sure to take a look at both of these sites before you go to vote on Tuesday.